Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
need a new bf mines broken 😐
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
…..pretty much.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.