Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Whisper out to librarians!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
#damn
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”