Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation