Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

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My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee


“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.


Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits


There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.


Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.


Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.


DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*


The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.