Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
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It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.