@chrisdowning

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

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@HushJared

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

@KentWGraham

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

@MrJamesCosgrove

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

@DreamerDixie

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

@zozagoon

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

@cravin4

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

@SirEviscerate

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

@kelkulus

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.