Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
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SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo