In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
*lint rolls you awake*
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.