*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*
*forgets where he left it*
You Might Also Like
Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[email protected] Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
– 911,what’s your emergency?
– I’m out of beer!
– That’s no emergency.
– Chest pain?
– We’ll send an ambulance.
– Make sure they bring beer.
“Apologize or die”
Siri, where are my pants?
Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.
Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.
Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey