*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*

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Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…


My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.


– 911,what’s your emergency?
– I’m out of beer!
– That’s no emergency.
– Chest pain?
– We’ll send an ambulance.
– Make sure they bring beer.


Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.

Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.


Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey