sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
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“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Never be a pizza!
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Unexpected Judgment
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”