*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad