@AkaCorbinDallas

Tweets got stolen.

* Everybody looks at the new black dude following *

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@KentWGraham

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

@alexlumaga

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

@seamussaid

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

@shanethevein

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

@junejuly12

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

@byrdie_num_num

Few people have the balls to admit when they’re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.

@sidleykate

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

@ron_humphrey

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

@kDuncanG

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *