Tweets got stolen.

* Everybody looks at the new black dude following *

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I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.


Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway


piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists


The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.


Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.


Few people have the balls to admit when they’re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.


People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.


We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.


Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *