I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Good morning!
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.