@HenpeckedHal

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

You Might Also Like

@E_lok44

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

@nachdermas

my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter

@fluffysuse

If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.

@DurtMcHurtt

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

@dmc1138

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

@Gupton68

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

@leifromloihi

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

@QwertyJones3

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

@mad_cattery

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest