I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
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my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter
If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest