Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Kids: Stay in school.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My good tweets are in my other pants.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?