@OhNoSheTwitnt

Twilight and Hostess are over. It’s a sad day for fat girls.

You Might Also Like

@badteacher4u

I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁

@truegritrumble

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

@KalvinMacleod

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

@IAmMaggieMull

The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.

@tastefactory

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

@ANNIEwayyyy

Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.

@naaman

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

@lynyrdsbackyard

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.