Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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Introverted vegans go meetless
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.