I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁
Twilight and Hostess are over. It’s a sad day for fat girls.
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.