plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?