My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
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i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there