[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.