Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

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[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit


me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*


The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.


Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??


Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.


[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never


Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date


[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace


Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.


People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.