@kerouac741

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

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@LMuenster

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

@ermahgarton

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

@auty_schmotty

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

@njlitigator

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

@stevevsninjas

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

@ghostkrogh

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

@awkwardphilippe

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

@ChaseMit

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

@pro_worrier_

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.