Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

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Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids


I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive


*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone.

*Adds “extremely organized” to resume.


I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.


[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*


*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.


HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.


Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email


One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.


I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.