Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
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I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.