Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone.
*Adds “extremely organized” to resume.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*
You looked a little sickly.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.