*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
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me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
dads on road-trips be like
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR