@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

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@zachreinert03

If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they’re probably blacked out and just won’t remember I stole their car.

@Pastor_Bert

Me: are you serious?
GF: yes I can’t take it anymore, you’re too unpredictable
Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?

@TheDjinnTrials

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

@OneTrickTofani

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

@_Mo_lee_

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

@3sunzzz

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.

@Chyld

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

@Pauly_Miller

If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.