*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

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If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they’re probably blacked out and just won’t remember I stole their car.


Me: are you serious?
GF: yes I can’t take it anymore, you’re too unpredictable
Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?


Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.


*Robber runs into Chipotle*
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
“It’s extra”


Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p


I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.


For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.


Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.


I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”


If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.