@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

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@Paige__xxx

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

@ClichedOut

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

@pabstdriver

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

@StephJoLanders

Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.

@mrjohndarby

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

@rebrafsim

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

@hythemafia

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

@TheAlexNevil

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

@thedad

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

@SirEviscerate

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.