JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
nice challenge
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials