Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.