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@momjeansplease

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

@sofarrsogud

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

@ObscureGent

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

@Reverend_Scott

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

@david8hughes

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

@Mhmm_ok_sure

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

@aparnapkin

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

@atanya1111

At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.

@AbbyHasIssues

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

@NurseMurderer

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.