Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.