Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
This did not end as expected.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done