[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
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*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.