Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.