I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
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[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations