Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.


[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.


I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.


Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.


You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.


How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie


Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm


I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.


Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.


the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations