Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

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Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker


[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy


I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’


My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.




[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE


Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes


*First date.

Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”


“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”


Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.

Trainer: You only did a single push-up.

Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.