Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.