Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub