Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.

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More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon


Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]


I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”


Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough


When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.


They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.


*girl at the end of the bar winks at me

*I wink back

*she pouts at me

*I pout back

*she drools

Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!


Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.

Now its coffee after 5 pm.


If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.