Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
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She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”