More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.
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Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
*girl at the end of the bar winks at me
*I wink back
*she pouts at me
*I pout back
Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!
Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.
Now its coffee after 5 pm.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*
Priest: the bride, sir
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.