@Parentpains

Twitter, because I owe people on Facebook money.

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@T_Bonezzz_

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

@ValeeGrrl

Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t wanna share.

@0point5twins

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

@EyalTweet

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

@attsmcjay

Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”

@JWilsonGA

Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want?
Me: Bacon.
Wife: And?
Me: *blank stare*
Wife: AND?
Me: A napkin?

@skickwriter

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

@mdob11

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.