Lube but for my dry humor.
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Finally, an instrument I can play!