Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
When he asks for feet pics
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.