“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
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You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Proctology is located in A55
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you