music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable