8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I’m not stressed
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Confused owl: What?!
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings