@TheToddWilliams

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

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@Dwarven_Cleric

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

@ChicksRule

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

@IvoryGazelle

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

@mexinonblonde

*handsome, young man walks up*
HYM-Ms.

Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.

HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.

@KelgoreTrout

i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”

@skittle624

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

@AmishPornStar1

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

@thezwickers3

In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.