“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.