“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
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Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
This a good idea
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”