I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯