Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.
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We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
[Leaning into your casket]
I just think it’s funny how…
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
ME: can I start digging?
SOCIETY: no wtf that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….