Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.

You Might Also Like


Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.


brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT


It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.


A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her


*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*


“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…


So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”