Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“Apologize or die”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”