@cuntbucketOG

Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.

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@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

@carlyken

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

@kunalrao

It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.

@litfirebird

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

@radtoria

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

@Gupton68

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

@adamgreattweet

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”