I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it’s a “Hobbit” movie.
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1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I see your choices and raise you one eyebrow.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.