@Diane_7A

Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it’s a “Hobbit” movie.

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@TimJohnish

I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.

@BoomBoomBetty

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

@jctwritesstuff

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

@kbnoswag

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

@Carbosly

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

@frankzulla

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

@HumbleBeastDre

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

@markleggett

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.