Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
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Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.