When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?