Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.