Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.