Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

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Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves


I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts


Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
CW: OMG! *runs away*


Day 1 of lockdown:
This is fine, I don’t need human contact anyway

Day 14 of lockdown:
I’m going to replace my arms with eight tentacles so I can hug more people when this is over


I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.


british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving


When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.


priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat


I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.