Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Very good news from my accountant
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.