twitter is a journey
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
men are simple creatures
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑