Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
You Might Also Like
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.