Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.

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[interrupts pastor]
but jesus was crucified today shouldn’t we call today “Bad Friday” or even “Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday”


No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.


Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting


Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?



8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT


dad: don’t forget to take a jacket


what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise


My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.


Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something


THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird


Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”

Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”

Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”

Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”