@2sassymom

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.

You Might Also Like

@EJGomez

[interrupts pastor]
but jesus was crucified today shouldn’t we call today “Bad Friday” or even “Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday”

@LaqueefaTeen

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

@decentbirthday

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

@crunkdumpster

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

@andlikelaura

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

@roboticcrab

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

@mom_ontherocks

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

@dumbbeezie

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

@hippieswordfish

THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird

@Daniel_Sugarman

Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”

Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”

Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”

Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”