Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I’m texting my friends instead of talking to myself.
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
to the fridge for a snack.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
“Why u bean like this?”
“Don’t u carrot all?”