Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I’m texting my friends instead of talking to myself.

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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands


*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*




There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.


Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.


Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor


I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”


my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp


Me: I’m really at the end of my rope



[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”


“Why u bean like this?”


“Don’t u carrot all?”