@canadian_jane

Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I’m texting my friends instead of talking to myself.

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@mcclure111

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

@MuhamdIr

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

@WilliamAder

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

@Trustedshoe

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

@N0vAsko

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

@mattytalks

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

@CornOnTheGoblin

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

@Browtweaten

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

@AbrasiveGhost

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]