Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
How do you like your Corgi?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*