@MikeDrucker

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

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@neiltyson

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

@Trisarahjtops

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

@Tusk8rman

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

@paperphotoyo

[1st Date]

Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Him:
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?

@KenJennings

The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.

@Jandalize

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

@Nindoonjibaa

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

@scharpling

In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.

@dorsalstream

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]