Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

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Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.


Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.


Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.


[1st Date]

Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?


The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.


Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.


It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.


In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.


NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]