Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.